A Letter To My Future Children

My best friend just had his SECOND child this week (well, his wife actually pooped it out) which is AWESOME but it got me to thinking... What would my life be like if *I* had kids? Now, I'm not in any rush but it's something I found myself briefly pondering. Kids? Me? Those poor kids... Might as well warn them what they're in for.

Everything has a warning label nowadays so why not the fruits of my ovaries? Ew... There's a phrase I never want to say again... Okay.. Maybe twice more. I'll save it though.

1.) Fighting between siblings will be handled swiftly. Going to hit your brother/sister? That's cool. It happens. Just know anyone who gets in any tiffs will be forced to watch 'After Earth' on repeat. That'll make you WANT to love your sibling so that someone will hug you after being subjected to THAT travesty.

2.) Your science projects will be awesome. All science projects will be battle bots. Every. Single. Year. We're rocking that. All English projects will also be battle bots.

3.) Want to wear a skanky outfit? Well little Missy (or Mister.. You go on and express yourself) but a warning... Mommy and Daddy might like the outfit you're wearing OHSOMUCH that they have to run out and get themselves one (no matter how ill fitting) and pick you up from school in it. We oh so appreciate your sense of style.

4.) You are expected to be kind to EVERYONE. Not going to tolerate bullying of any kind. People are people. Actually, let me put this in a way that you'll understand: Kids who are bullied turn out awesome because they have something to prove. They either are super smart, get super hot, or star in a Judd Apatow film. Don't wreck this for us.

5.) Thou shall not use Tom Hanks' name in vain in this house. Self explanatory. Read the Bible.

6.) It is my new mission in life to embarrass you. Now, you have to understand future children, your father (who I can only assume is Bradley Cooper from 'Alias') and I don't get out much anymore like we once used to so entertainment is slim. Our joy now comes from embarrassing you in any way possible. Your father and I are also very competitive so what would have been mildly embarrassing if it was just one of us is now amplified by ten because we want to out do one another. Unfortunately the only way to change this is for your father and I to stop or to get a divorce... And we aren't going to stop.. So I guess the bottom line is: Do you guys want Mommy and Daddy to get a divorce?

7.) Mommy is NOT watching My Little Pony. You know what's JUST like My Little Pony? X-Men... Except not at all.. And better...

8.) Mommy and Daddy need alone time. That Nintendo 64 in their bedroom ain't gonna play itself.

9.) Feel free to express yourself creatively. Through art, dance, music, etc.. However once Mommy hears Maroon 5 playing we're going to have an issue. Allow her to introduce you to the Notorious B.I.G.

10.) Josh Groban is your mortal enemy. See below post.